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Englische Kurzgeschichte - Eure Meinung

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  • Englische Kurzgeschichte - Eure Meinung

    Ich will dieses Thema hier mal nutzen, um euch nach eurer Meinung bezüglich einer von mir für den Englischunterricht geschriebenen Kurzgeschichte zu fragen. Wer sie nicht lesen will, den zwinge ich auch nicht. Wenn jemand Ausdrücke findet, von denen er sicher ist, dass sie falsch sind, der kann das auch gerne mir mitteilen. Aber dann nicht zu spät, weil ich sie noch heute Abend ausdrucke


    Also im Klartext:
    “Reported missing” - A story based on the poem of Barry Cole

    He gazed at her in wonder for he had never seen any person so beautiful and fair. Her red hair seemed like jets of fire, surrounding her almost white-skinned face. Her black eyes were shimmering like diamonds in the dusky sun and her lips seemed as red as the sweetest cherry. In her whole appearance was no sign of artificiality. She seemed to be natures child herself. Indeed her red hair appeared so natural to him, that he began to wonder why not all women´s hair were of this blooming colour.
    She smiled at him and her smile blew away his last feeling of discomfort as well as his last bit of sanity. She was sitting at the other side of the table in the little café of Wiring-Road. How they came here, he could not tell for certain.
    All that he remembered was, that they had met in some street corner near the main station, straight after midday. They had both stood there and looked at each other in wonder. Than she had talked to him, but he could just recall little of the things she said. She might have mentioned her name as well, but he was unsure about that. If so, he hadn´t noticed at all. For everything he noticed had been the pleasant tone of her voice.
    After some time their feet had brought them to this place where they decided to enjoy some coffee or tea. That was sixty minutes ago. Or had it been longer? He could not tell. He had lost his sense of time with the first look on her gentle face.
    Anyway the coffee had gone by swiftly. It was time to leave. He payed the servant automatically and they both left in the first direction that came along. They reached one of the smaller, more lonesome streets and finally stopped.
    He did not know what to feel. Indeed he was absolutely convinced that he was just wrapped in some of this fair and comforting dreams. He closed his eyes and told her to pinch his arm. The result surprised him in a way. He still could smell the distinctive scent of her hair and when he opened his eyes again she was level with his eyes and level with his mouth.
    Her lips draw nearer. “I´m not quite sure, but I think I´m in love with you” he said hesitating. “I´m glad I´m not alone” she said. Then the hot moisture of her lips took away his mind, his body and all it´s belongings.
    He did not know how long they stood there hugging and kissing each other. But finally they stopped and managed to get to his apartment. When the door was closed behind them they were eventually alone.

    The next morning he awoke with a strange feeling of awareness in his chest. He turned to the right and stared for a few moments into thin air. Than he suddenly realised that she had vanished.
    He jumped out of bed and it took him less than five minutes to search the whole apartment for any sign or word of explanation. But the only thing that reminded of her nightly presence was the wrinkled-up sheet she had been laying on.
    A deep poison-like pain crept over his heart. But still he had hope. He would not accept his life to act as if it was one of this dreadful films with an obvious ending. Besides he could not imagine that it was so desirable to have entrapped him. No, there had to be another explanation! She might have been only out for a walk. Yes, maybe she was up to return in a minute and he just didn´t know! So he had to wait. To wait till there would be no more truth than that her smile had faded away form him for ever.
    The next two hours of waiting were the most terrible and desperate he could imagine. If there was hell, he thought, it had to be like this. And then after some more time it was too much for him.
    Vanished or not, he couldn´t stand it to wait any longer. He had to do something, and he did not care whether it might be wise or foolish.
    What if something had happened to her, so that she was unable to return? She could have been attacked or hurt or even kidnapped! Dreadful images occurred in his mind. But know he knew what to do. He hastened to his car and drove along the ever-red traffic lights to the next police station.

    When he came out of the police office some incredibly long time later, he felt like worn out. He did not think his description of her had been very useful for the policeman. He had tried hard, but there hadn´t been any words that did justice to her beauty. Finally the policeman had told him, that there wouldn´t be anyone answering to his description. A very polite guy he had been, the policeman. Polite and fully ignorant.
    Full of anger on the policeman and also on himself he went back to his car. He drove aimless and the hours passed by, leaving no light in his desperate thoughts. Then, it was at dusk, he had came back to the place he called home. He took the steps and the more he got upstairs, the more uneasy grew his mind. When he reached the door of his apartment he was puzzled, because he could see light streaming out of his room. He had indeed been very confused this morning, he thought. He could not remember that he had forgotten to turn off the lights ever before.
    When opening the door, a strange feeling of anxiousness arose in his stomach. He stumbled along the floor until he happened to get a look at his bed. Because of some sorcery it wasn´t empty. He noticed two handbags, half-filled with clothes. Some pieces of clothing lay on the bed as well.
    Suddenly he heard a soft singing voice flowing out of his bathroom. And when he looked at the new price labels of the well-sorted garments, he understood everything.
    Shopping. The thought of the word hit him like a stroke. He began to laugh and it was a laughter from deep inside. He was shaking hands and head and all the thoughts of his mind were blown away. He laughed at the world and all it´s belongings and wasn´t able to stop. Therefore he did not notice the quiet noise, when the bathroom-door opened.
    Falls jemand das Gedicht dazu lesen will ... der kann das HIER tun
    Zuletzt geändert von Eomolch; 04.09.2008, 12:46.
    Wenn drei Personen in einen Raum gehen und fünf wieder rauskommen, müssen zwei Personen wieder hineingehen, damit der Raum leer ist...

  • #2
    AW: Englische Kurzgeschichte - Eure Meinung

    Ich finde es ist gut geschrieben, hat einen glatten, leicht lesbaren Stil.

    Und eine Theorie zum Thema: Wahrscheinlich hatte der Mann eine Psychose und hat dort auf der Straße seine Frau gesehen, und die hat sich gefreut wie er sie angeguckt hat und nix gesagt..und er ist noch nicht aus seiner Psychose aufgewacht..
    V|GO

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    • #3
      AW: Englische Kurzgeschichte - Eure Meinung

      Ab und zu mal ein paar komische Satzbauten wie man sie nicht sagen würde, würde ich behaupten. Aber sonst ließt es sich gut!
      Auf jedenfall veraffst du es ab und zu mit had und has. Ist mir ein paar mal aufgefallen. Wird aber wohl mittlerweile korrigiert sein.
      Zuletzt geändert von Gamma; 04.09.2008, 12:27.


      "Sometimes when i get sad i stop being sad and be awesome instead ...true story"

      Kommentar


      • #4
        AW: Englische Kurzgeschichte - Eure Meinung

        Ja ein paar Dinge habe ich gestern noch geändert. Darunter vielleicht auch ein paar von den "komischen" Sätzen, aber werde es wohl früher oder später erfahren wie viele überlebt haben

        @LoneWolf: Das mit der Psychose habe ich jetzt nicht so ganz verstanden. Was genau meinst du damit?
        Wenn drei Personen in einen Raum gehen und fünf wieder rauskommen, müssen zwei Personen wieder hineingehen, damit der Raum leer ist...

        Kommentar


        • #5
          AW: Englische Kurzgeschichte - Eure Meinung

          I felt like I was in a cliché-laden story. I was compelled to use adjectives.

          Kommentar


          • #6
            AW: Englische Kurzgeschichte - Eure Meinung

            Zitat von Surth Beitrag anzeigen
            I felt like I was in a cliché-laden story.
            Beispiele bitte



            Zitat von Surth Beitrag anzeigen
            I was compelled to use adjectives.
            Ich nicht. Ich hab die freiwillig genutzt. Ich weiß, worauf du anspielst. Ich fand es aber eigentlich nicht zu viele.
            Wenn drei Personen in einen Raum gehen und fünf wieder rauskommen, müssen zwei Personen wieder hineingehen, damit der Raum leer ist...

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